My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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