I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
