We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
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