I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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