i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
