So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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