my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
