I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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