I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Text me some of your sweat
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
