Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
