my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
