Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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