my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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