Just fell off a train. Bad.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
