I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
