I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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