woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
