Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
