I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
