Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
