Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
