Can i not drive my cunt home
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
