I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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