We won't sleep together?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
