I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
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