Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
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Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
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I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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