In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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