Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
