Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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