I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
