A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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