Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
