OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
