How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
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