So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
