I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
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