i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
