that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
