A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
