Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
