2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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