We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
