Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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