Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
