I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
