I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
