So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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