I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
