??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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