I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I didn't notice because vodka
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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