there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
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Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
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Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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