Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize