so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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