So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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