is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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