I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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